I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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