1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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