Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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