if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
