I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
