I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
