he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
