I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
