I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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