Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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