so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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