We named our party play list daddy issues
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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