She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
