He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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