my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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