Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My ATM looks so different sober.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
