dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
