He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
