Cold hands, warm shart.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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