When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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