call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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