My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
