i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
