My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
