you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
