ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
