so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
now i know why i became what i already was.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
