All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
