drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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