Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
