you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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