he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
