My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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