If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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