***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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