Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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