She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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