plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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