Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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