I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
