i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
