This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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