I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Randomize
