did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
