Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
