i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
