pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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