i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
