you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
