somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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