K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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